In Honor and Memory of

Seventeen years ago, my mom woke up on this morning, looked out the picture window and saw my daddy lying in his beloved garden with his dog Duke curled up by his side. She rushed outside, fortunately just as my brother drove in the yard. Together they found that Howard had passed away. The news brought shock and disbelief from all of us, although Dad was 82.
My mom later wrote in her diary for that day: "Howard died". That's it. There's not much else that can be said.

 On the first year anniversary, it was pouring rain as I drove the one hour to the cemetary to visit his marker. As I was driving and crying I prayed "please God show me a sign that all is well". As I got nearer to Herman (my hometown), the rain stopped and as I got out of the car at the cemetary and turned around to walk towards his grave, I viewed the largest rainbow I have ever seen. I don't know about you, but it appeared to be a sign for me!

At the time, Ben was in 1st grade and when I returned home, I told him this story. A YEAR later, when he was making designs for the 2nd grade calendar gift to parents, he remembered this story and drew it as the picture for the month of May. I still have the calendar.

Later I choose to use the anniversary as the sign for me to plant flowers in my garden to honor my daddy. It was a great way to spend time with him and it was also cheaper and easier on the body than drinking.
Now there aren't any gardens in Kuwait for me to plant, although David has started a very nice garden on the rooftop of our apartment building. Maybe I'll go up there and water the flowers.

A couple years after his death, I saw the movie Lion King where there is a fabulous scene in which Mustafa reappears to Simba in the lake and says " I am alive, I am in you". That's how I feel about my parents now. It makes me feel better. I see them in my children and if I am paying attention, I also get little signs (like the rainbow) every once in a while.  And every time I smell Copenhagen (the snuff kind, not the city) or hear an auctioneer's voice or know that someone is singing offkey, I think of him.

Fortunately I was on very good terms with my parents. We talked often on the phone and I visited as much as I could although we lived 4 hours away. I am comforted by the fact that there were no unspoken sentiments between us.  My parents were too German and Norwegian stoic to say "I love you" often, but I know they did. Although I'd give almost anything to have another conversation with both of them. Even just to talk about the weather in Kuwait.

While you may think I am having a hard time today, I am really okay. I'll send an email to my good friend who has a birthday today, which gives me reason to celebrate rather than mourn this date. I'll probably visit my 80 year old Jordian boyfriend who has a stand at the Friday Market. It will almost be like being at the Flea Market with Daddy.

And I will probably watch the movie the Lion King. It would be fitting.

With love
Nadine Wagner Brown